A friend and I recently took the opportunity to do some old fashioned boozing. Now, I am no longer college age which means that everything take longer to heal. Your head seems to hurt more and your kidneys ache just a little bit longer. In college, a man can drink six days in a row, eat a Twinkie, and still pound the bejeezus out of a hot little coed.

The one after effect that is never discussed is how long it takes one’s ass to heal. This is not in reference to a binge drinking blackout where you wake up in a Tijuana gutter with a carrot in your ass and a taco in your hand (it happens). I am referring to alcohol shits. These are not the morning bowel movements that are strong, solid, and can be used as supports for your kid’s tree house. These can be easily controlled and timed with equal efficiency. And to be honest, they feel pretty good when you are done. A good shit can be ranked up there with a good hearty meal or even bad sex which isn’t really ever bad for a guy anyway. Only women suffer from bad sex unless you happen to get that surprise finger in the butt (Again, it happens).

A little help please!?

On the other side of the spectrum, the alcohol brownies that fall out of your ass are not the solid logs you have grown to know and love. They come out flying like a riotous mob looking for blood and loot. There is no predictable timing. They come and go as they please with no regard for your personal welfare by destroying every camode that you sit your fragile body on. These enemies of man cross a line by launching unscheduled attacks on undergarments. You prepare for urination, the heavy machine gun of waste secretion, while your ass drops heavy artillery danger close. “Danger close to who?” you say. The only thing in a man’s life where collateral damage is never acceptable: the great spheres of testosterone known as the “balls”. Once a drop of doo doo crosses the great taint and comes to rest on my scrotum, a single tear rolls down my cheek and a little bit of me dies inside.

Please take heed of this warning when you wake up after a night of drinking. Your balls are innocent; the girl next to you is expendable.