Visa Black Card. You can’t have one!

Who are they kidding? While the U.S. government is throwing money left and right to prevent one of the worst financial meltdowns since the great depression, Barclay’s Bank, in their infinite wisdom have premiered their new Visa Black Card. This new piece of high end plastic caters to the ultra-wealthy who have access to what 99% of Americans don’t have: The ability to buy islands and enslave populations with their autograph and a check. I guess when you’re marketing an exclusive credit card to the uber-rich, it really doesn’t matter that so many banks are failing. They all seem to have plenty of money to spend and it makes me wonder how many of Barclay’s potential customers actually run corporations that are receiving government bailout money.

Can't get a Visa Black Card

I suck at life.

If you are reading this, chances are you don’t fit the prerequisites for acquiring such a fine piece of sexy credit. If you are on the fence about getting the one credit card created by God himself, let Steak Army help you decide. We’ve created a set of stipulations. If any apply to you, there is no way in hell you will ever be part of this elite clientele.

*If you hand out quarters instead of bills at the local strip club: Don’t Apply!

*If you live in a one bedroom apartment with 20 of your closest family members and can’t find the time to pump your pork sword: Don’t Apply!

*If you find yourself scrounging for change in your best friends sofa because you don’t even have a fucking sofa to lose change in: Don’t Apply!

*If you are so low on funds that you and your girlfriend have to share a fake ID: Don’t Apply!

*If you currently own or even think about making a “will work for food” sign: Don’t Apply!

*If you find yourself having to perform a BJ on some stranger in the restroom of a movie theater while your son is watching Shrek 3: Guess what? Don’t Apply!

*If the previous stipulation applies to you and you happen to be a guy: Don’t Apply!

*If your idea of a night out involves going to Shrek 3 so some stranger can play your skin flute in the bathroom: Don’t Apply!

*If you have to use cologne samples from old copies of Men’s Health before heading out on a date: Don’t Apply!

*If you consider cats to be good eating: Definitely Don’t Apply….or find work at your local Chinese restaurant.

*If you are mixing rubbing alcohol and Suave because you can’t afford the prescription shampoo for your crabs: Don’t Apply!

*If your luxurious penthouse apartment also happens to be your 1981 Honda: Don’t Apply!

*If your idea of a buffet consists of ketchup, mustard, and relish at the condiment stand in the 7-11: Don’t Apply!

*If you have to reuse your condoms by throwing them in the dishwasher: Don’t Apply!

*If you can only afford two out of the three ingredients to make Kool Aid: Don’t Apply!

*If your last meal was a bowl of rice with UNICEF written on it: Don’t Apply!

*If you are of any ethnicity besides white and not a musician or athlete: Don’t Apply!

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