Has it been a while since you felt a woman’s touch? Or a man’s touch for that matter? Would you like to get groped and felt up without paying for dinner and a movie? If the mood is right, maybe score a cavity search by the romantic glow of a mag light? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions, head to your nearest airport, leap into the security line, and prepare yourself for a freebie. The TSA has authorized more vigorous searches in an attempt to curb the enemies of the United States from hiding explosives underneath their sacks, inside their vaginas, and deep within their anal crevices.

Apparently the U.S. population is not very happy as the TSA lacks any sort of professionalism or common sense in their methods of approaching citizens. They have humiliated several travelers and even forced a young boy to remove his clothing in public. Steak Army has done some extensive research (while high mind you) and pulled the educational requirements for becoming a respected TSO (Transportation Security Officer).

QUALIFICATIONS REQUIRED:

* Have reached his/her 18th birthday at the time of application submission;

* Be proficient in English (e.g., reading, writing,
speaking, and listening);

* Have a high school diploma, GED or equivalent;

OR

* Have at least one year of full-time work experience in security
work, aviation screener work, or X-ray technician work.

In other words, if you are qualified to work at McDonald’s, then you can join this fine organization. Actually, if you think about it, you might be over qualified as customer service at McDonald’s is top notch compared to these insensitive clowns.

I’m off to JFK to get a handy, bitches!

Can you at least warm your hands first?