As I drove by the gym the other day, of which I am a proud member, I realized that this country is obsessed with being in shape. I also realized by the amount of fat walking on the sidewalk that we are also the most out of shape donkeys in the world. Now I say this not as a stoic hero whose physique rivals that of Michael Angelo’s David or even Angelina’s Brad for that matter, but as a concerned citizen of these United States whose physical appearance is quite the opposite of those mentioned. I have been a member of this particular gym I mentioned for about 12 years now. Up until four years ago I was an impressive specimen who could eat glass and wrestle medium size game with ease. Now I challenge porterhouse steaks, fried salty pork, and pastrami hoagies for absolute superiority while my checking account is debited forty two dollars a month for access to a building that I just drive by. Not to mention the multitude of home exercise equipment that the mice in my garage use on a daily basis because I don’t. (Yes, I have mice in my garage. The reason they are still there is because they work out. I picked up a cat at the advice of my brother and they choked him out UFC style and left him for dead on the sidewalk.)

And then I realized I am a man. The rules and boundaries are quite different this side of the genitalia playground. I can gain twenty pounds and still find a woman to cook me dinner and give me a two fister twister. Hell, Sean Connery is busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest when it comes to tapping ass and he is pushing 80 glorious years. A woman gains five pounds and she is ostracized by her friends, ridiculed by strangers, and arrested for impersonating an elephant. Chalk up another win for being a man. I think I’ll have another steak.

Fat Women Suck. Hopefully hot ones do too!

Plus when you are big and fat the little Pakistani kids hate you for fucking up their ride……